I totally intended to have animals...a dog or a cat...just not yet. Not yet when I found this little ball of fur burning up in the summer sun, confused and turning itself in circles.
When I rescued her, I placed her in a box and she didn't move for hours. Once I got her home, I could set her on the couch and she would still be in the exact spot when I returned.
Once she calmed down enough to start eating and drinking, she was still just a small, cuddly furball who was beyond cute sucking on the bottle I fed her from. I thought to myself how lucky was I to find a little kitten who was so sweet and calm and loving.
Turns out, once she got up her strength and became comfortable in her surroundings, she turned into a kamikaze biting terror. She's broken a lamp, slashed the shade, knocked over trashcans, knocked down artwork, chewed on any possible cord she can find (and there's a lot of them) and plays an early morning version of kamikaze relay face-bombing. I know, I know - that's all kittens, it's what they do. It's a phase.
But it doesn't feel like one today. Not when this afternoon when I was sorely tempted to throw her out of the room, not when I hid from her in another room for 20 minutes. Not when earlier in the day I met two truly calm and sweet kittens up for adoption and I couldn't help but wish I had met them first. That my kitten was wasn't my kitten.
I can't count how many times I've let my frustration turn to anger. Where I just don't know what to do with her.
I've spent the last two months with this kitten - feeding, taking care of her, giving her love and cuddles and playtime. Yet today, my thoughts were of giving her away. And I feel like a horrible person because when I think of giving her away, I think that I'd miss her, but I would be ok. Better, even. To today's musings, a friend asked, but haven't you bonded with her?
Even now, she sits outside the door and chirps sadly, knowing I'm in here and wanting to be as well. What does that say about me, as a person? Me, who is a self-proclaimed animal lover with a soft heart. Pushed to the breaking point not by the horrible things I've been through or the abuse or the obstacles, but by 2 months with a 3 month old kitten.
