I Need That To Be Enough For You

I can't seem to get enough of this blogging thing. Making up for lost years perhaps.

I figured I'd talk about what I know...myself. As I began thinking about what I might write, I realized I'm so different from the myself of just a few years ago. I assume that's the case for most people, but I've amazed myself at the changes.

First and foremost, I'm a Christian. I no longer look to what I do or how I feel to tell me who I am. I know that Jesus is the only way - the way, the truth, and the life, and I'm happy to say it even though I know it will turn some people off. I'm not here to shove anything down anyone's throats, but He's done so much in my life, I'd be a fool to down play it. And if my testimony can save another's eternal life, then I am humbled. I go to Bible studies Tuesdays and Thursdays after work (we're doing Psalm 119 and Proverbs currently) and I try to make it to both Sunday and Wednesday night services at my amazing little church. I have found lasting joy that is always with me, even on my worst days.

I'm also a veggie-trying-to-be-vegan. I've been able to do the vegetarian thing easily...it's the vegan that's becoming tougher. It's expensive to be veggie/vegan, especially since I'm unable to cook anything more than noodles or pre-made foods that just need heating up in the microwave or oven. I'm thinking I better develop a sudden love for cooking if I'm going to make the vegan life work. And since my body now seems to demand vegan, I may be in trouble. I find that my system can no longer process milk and cheese and I develop acid reflux when I don't eat vegan. I've had days where I say oh well and indulge in my old favorites like pizza or macaroni & cheese and I pay dearly for it. I brought this lactose intolerance upon myself, so it seems I better take responsibility and learn to cook.

Logically I figure I must be obsessed with food since a look in the mirror tells me that I don't go without and when I'm with friends, we always seem to end up eating, but honestly I'm just not all that interested in food. I don't think about it all the time and I have no interest in learning about new recipies. I've been searching all kinds of vegan blogs and they all talk about cooking and have yummy-looking pics, but they just don't interest me. I bought all kinds of vegan cooking ingredients, but have used very little of them. Most of it tends to go bad before I get to them. I can go to the fridge and stare, trying to find something already made that I wouldn't have to work for, a grab-n-go kind of deal...and I'll walk away when there's nothing to fit that bill, only to return 15 minutes later and repeat the cycle. A bit self-defeating I think.

I love music and pay close attention to the lyrics. The lyrics can make all the difference for me - whether like turns to love. I can play a song over and over and over again if the lyrics touch me. A bit of that coherence-love thing perhaps. I've recently taken to constantly adding to my YouTube favorites list and letting it play over and over. Gravitating towards single female artists with just a guitar or a piano.

I can see the light at the end of the tunnel of my debt. I made a lot of mistakes in the past financially, beginning with my first credit card at the age of 17. Bad choices compounded, but I am finally down to one last card to pay off, almost under a thousand dollars. Now, of course, I have mountains of student loan debt, but I don't count that, especially since I am in the process of adding to it, haha.

I have pushed my relationship with my father past it's limits, at least his limits. I'm not sure how to fix it, or even if I can...but I want to. I haven't really talked to him in over 7 months and it's been almost 2 months since he told me he's done. I live in denial to make it through the days, especially since I have to see him almost daily. He had expectations of me and I just couldn't meet them. I know I've let him down and I haven't been an easy child, but I never meant to hurt him like I have. I wasn't intending to even mention this, but I guess it sort of defines me where I'm at right now.

"I don't wanna be her, I just wanna be little old me.
I shouldn't have to think, who am I supposed to be today?
And what gave you the right to tell me who I should be?
Who gave you that right?

Cause I feel lovely just the way that I am.
Yes, I feel lovely the way that I am.

I know you want the best, yeah only good things for me.
But you have to realize I can't be all these things you project on me.
Cause I'm beautiful to me, doesn't that mean a thing?

I feel lovely just the way that I am.
Yes I, I feel lovely the way that I am.

I need that to be enough for you.
I need that to be enough for you.
Cause it's enough for me, it's enough for me.

Am I supposed to give up everything I am just to make you happy?
I thought I was the one you always wanted me to be.
It turns out, I'm just little old me.
I'm just little old me, and that's fine by me.

Cause I, I am lovely just the way that I am."
Sara Haze, Lovely